When Helping Hurts: Relationships & Community Development

Each person is the main character of their own movie. But unless people know the title or have seen a preview, they remain disinterested. People continue to go about their lives, unaware of the stories unfolding around them. Yet, when a person’s story is brought to light, that awareness creates connection.  

With connection comes a degree of care that may be expressed through kindness, respect, or thoughtfulness. That care often leads to a desire to not hurt the other person or their feelings. Hence, when someone shares their struggle, their vulnerability invites trust, which can move others to offer help.  

The first-time help is extended, it is typically met with sincere appreciation. However, when support is offered repeatedly, an unspoken expectation may emerge where one assumes help will be given without question. This may show up as ongoing financial assistance with the assumption cost will always be covered, repeated emotional reassurance without regard for the other person’s emotional bandwidth, or a supervisor who continually expects availability beyond normal office hours. While the reasons for seeking help may vary, the underlying pattern of dependency persists.  

Still, people continue to offer help out of care and an understanding of what lies beneath the request. To say no feels wrong and the guilt weighs heavily, especially when time or resources are available. Declining help no longer becomes a neutral choice, rather, it carries the risk of being perceived as unkind, or worse, making the other person feel rejected or betrayed. Over time, helping becomes less of an act of compassion, rather a response driven by obligation and sense of over-responsibility with a desire to avoid conflict or a shift in the relationship dynamic.

Guilt is a complex emotion. It signals to a person of what one thinks they’ve done wrong, but it doesn’t always indicate that something wrong actually occurred. Sometimes, help is offered out of misplaced guilt, in fear of hurting the other person’s feelings. In other instances, helping reaffirms the identity of the giver as kind and dependable. But what if the act of helping was causing harm in a different way? Not emotionally, but by enabling others to remain in familiar patterns that ease discomfort yet hinder growth.

When help is consistently given in response to the same issue, the recipient may stop attempting to find their own solutions because the giver has become the solution. What began as well-intentioned care has quietly turned into disempowerment. Without realization, the person has internalized the belief that they are incapable of building essential skills like problem-solving, critical thinking, and resilience needed to become self-sufficient.

Community | Meso-Level

The dynamics of a dyadic relationship is often mirrored and magnified in community development work. Individuals and organizations may genuinely believe they are making a positive difference, but good intentions do not always result in positive impact.

Communities are already aware of the challenges they face and the gaps that exist before any external stakeholder arrives. While development efforts often begin with a moral responsibility, approaches driven by the interest of their own systems and project designs, rather than collaboration, exclude the community. In effect, their voices go unheard, their skills remain underutilized, and their autonomy diminishes. Over time, this can lead to learned helplessness and an increased dependency on external support.  

Dependency, however, is rarely one-sided. It evolves into codependency, where both the giver and the recipient reinforce a recurring cycle. Individuals and organizations may begin to derive their sense of worth to being perceived as generous and benevolent. Success is then measured by the number of people reached or the volume of projects completed. However, when implementation ends and the organization moves on, communities often revert back to where they started due to no real capacity built. Only now, the harm runs deeper: the community feels abandoned and ashamed for failing to sustain what was never truly theirs to begin with. This is when helping hurts. 

Boundaries

Boundaries are often mistaken for rejection or pushing someone away. At its core, it is about creating space to prevent harm while still maintaining connection. In development work, boundaries can feel harsh because they go against the instinct to relieve discomfort or meet urgent needs. Still, helping without limits is not the answer.  

People need space to make their own informed decisions and experience the natural consequences of those choices, whether positive or negative. Empowering individuals with choice affirms dignity. Adults possess free will and the capacity to grow, including learning from mistakes. Without accountability, unhealthy behavior patterns go unchecked and become reinforced.  

For instance, beneficiaries may initially respond with gratitude. However, when rules are inconsistently upheld or consequences are repeatedly bypassed, a sense of entitlement can develop. This may stem from the belief that individuals or organizations have unlimited resources and will always intervene, overlooking the hidden emotional and financial cost carried by the giver. Yet, outside the insulated environment created by NGOs, real-world consequences still exist in the form of job loss, legal issues, or financial penalties.

Hence, support should be framed as an opportunity, not unconditional charity. Even when services are provided at no cost, there must be mutual expectations and shared responsibilities. Without clear boundaries, people may remain stuck in disempowering cycles, believing they lack agency or the ability to change their lives.

This is not to say that the emotions behind urgent needs should be ignored. Development work must not respond with pity, but rather be grounded in compassion that upholds dignity. Meeting people with empathy demonstrates understanding and care, but that care must be redirected to empower informed decision-making, foster accountability with responsibility over decisions and their consequences, and create space for growth in character. 

Boundaries in Personal Relationships

To the care that goes beyond helping and development work: our personal relationships. Yes, it is important to accept people for who they are. However, behavior is not the same as identity. Sometimes we bypass certain actions because we think this is just who they are. To some extent, that may be true. And even when speaking out about what hurts us, change takes time and grace has a place in that process.

But to the relationships that matter most, we must stop managing each other just to keep the peace. Rather than silently enduring behavior that hurts us, let us offer each other the chance to grow, show up better, and step into who we’re becoming. The honesty may sting at first, but if someone truly values the relationship, they will rise to the occasion. And if not, it’s okay to set boundaries. Boundaries communicate I care about myself as much as I care about you. Distance, too, can be an act of love. To enjoy each other’s presence without closeness that brings pain, protecting both sides.

Your care rooted in honesty is a gift to this world, offering both dignity and growth.