Emptiness to Self-love

Disclaimer: In this blog, I talk about the life of a Volunteer as a human rather than in a work context.

If I am being very honest, the life of a Volunteer is very difficult where every. single. week. is. a constant battle. People do not recognize how vulnerable we are because we display our constant front of being in service to others. We are far removed from our homes, support network, culture, and honestly our previous lives. Living in the community, you are truly dedicated to the host country and you are constantly thinking about the people. It becomes difficult to have the capacity to reach out to people in the States due to not avoiding the emotional energy to explain what we are going through. As Volunteers, our lives have truly been on pause as we see others in the States get married, have kids, climb up in their profession, and more. The professional life we had built and the connections that we made are almost non-existent now; moreover, in-country you are seen as just a volunteer.

Another reason why I say we are vulnerable is due to the lack of attention we receive. Yes, we may have relationships built here, but they are not the same as the States. The level of comfort that people share and the emotional vulnerability is different, and that is okay (especially if that is the culture)! However, as volunteers it can be a very lonely journey. Even if we want to form friendships, it is hard to lower our guards due to being the face of our organization and taking the time to decipher people’s intentions. We may accommodate to others more than we should, but we strive to be respectful to the culture. To a certain degree, we are a different version of ourselves.

Do volunteers lose themselves in the process? For sure. Due to the long adjustment process, we want to fit in and get along with our community members. In some ways, it makes us forget about the internal struggles we wrestled with back at home. However, overtime, volunteers start to spend less energy on adjusting and have more emotional capacity for other things. Then, those internal struggles and unhealed areas hit unexpectedly, manifesting in higher intensities compared to the States. Why is this? One cannot find the layers of distractions and comfort, such as culture, found in the States. In addition, navigating relationships is not the same in a different country where you see new reflections of yourself. There are two options. One can decide to face them head on or run away.. however, running away is almost impossible due to being a fish out of the water in the new country, unless one decides to leave the country.

So, What Now from Here?

I would be lying if I said I did not have moments where I wrestled with everything I outlined above. There are moments of stability, but it’s hard when certain situations pull you back. Peace Corps recognizes that it is common for volunteers to experience these highs and lows (and mid-service crisis), though it is not healthy in such short spans. Hence, it gets tiring to go through these ebbs and flows, over and over again. However, in life, we all need protective factors to help us re-center, ground ourselves, and prolong the in between of the highs and lows.

For me personally, I have started a gratitude journal. Truly, it is about shifting the mind from constantly fixating on the negative to consciously be intentional to appreciate the good that is happening. As mentioned previously, a volunteer is so removed from their normal support system. We volunteers have no choice but to speak positivity and encouragement to ourselves. There is no one around us to expect such. We learn to have greater love, grace, and compassion for ourselves. Compared to the States where we constantly feel like numbers and outcomes defines our esteem, we learned that unmet outcomes are not a reflection of ourselves; rather, there are many factors that are out of our control.

In terms of losing oneself, you have to be intentional to remind yourself of who you are. To begin, rediscover yourself and create that safe space for self-preservation. While on the outside volunteers need to protect their image and be culturally respectful, it is important to have the safe outlets where you can truly be yourself without judgement. This may be journaling, talking to other volunteers, talking to a person from the States who understand your heart and motives to prevent overexplaining yourself. It may also look like rediscovering your passions and knowing how to pursue them in your personal time or in the different cultural context. In the process of all of this, you have no choice but to embrace who you are and be in love with yourself. Love never stays in the honeymoon stage… love then becomes an intentional choice a person makes. Similarly, you have to be intentional in filling your own cup.

For addressing magnified internal struggles, go through the fire and get stronger. Everyone has learned behaviors in responses to the traumas they have faced. These learned behaviors taught people how to survive in threatening situations. However, some have outgrown living in these environments. Still, these learned responses have become innate and automatic that people do not know how to operate in any other way. It is pretty wild to think that people have a thought in their minds rooted in a lie that they have heard or believed in themselves growing up. Then, people respond to the thoughts with a behavior. Thus, it is important for people to make conscious efforts to recognize such thoughts and behavioral patterns. Afterwards, it takes intentionality to react differently despite the unnatural feeling. With time, it will become the new automatic, healthier behavioral response. This journey of healing is also another choice of self-love.

So, who am I?

I am Tenina in Eswatini where some may enjoy my presence. However, I am also Arosah. As Arosah, I am the human being with emotions that run deep but also has an analytical eye to process and critically think about situations. My vulnerability is not a weakness, rather, it is who I am. I thrive on authenticity and vulnerability because it makes me human. I can connect to others knowing we all struggle with life and find it hard. What I really wish is to find more avenues to encourage others in Eswatini as everyone can use a little boost. I have forgotten that I am a little bit of a human rights person where injustice sparks a fire in me, compelling me to advocate. Before, I was quiet to be respectful and not come across as judgmental. However, I am learning there is a difference between judgment and discernment. I hope to spark conversations where I can insert my thoughts respectfully and reach a place of understanding with others. I cannot continue to keep quiet because…is not change going against the current flow? I used to be good with conflict resolution in my previous job, the question is can I now apply those same skills in my everyday conversations? Only through me speaking up will there be an opportunity to exchange ideas versus me constantly accommodating myself to others.

The hardest part for me is that it is so easy to get caught up in the weight of everything. However, thank you all for allowing me to use this platform to help me process and re-inspire myself. At the same time, I am a little sad recognizing that I want to do so much more even in the little things, but I am limited. I am human with emotions bound to get hurt, even when I can logically understand the reasons behind people’s actions. I am also human because I get tired and I’m only one person. Thus, there is grace knowing I am human.

In the meantime, I will work towards pouring into myself more often to have shorter timespans to recharge and to be more available to others.