Mid-Service Crisis and Reframing Change

Like any person in their career, one reflects on whether this job is worth continuing to pursue. If I am being honest, I am beyond tired after a year of service. At the same time, I do not want to reach a point of apathy. However, it is disappointing when you care so much and put in a lot of effort, only to have people not take advantage of the opportunities you put together. Then you question whether there is a point in anything you are doing. Or being the volunteer in the community, I question am I even wanted?

I am reminded that change is hard. Even when people desire change, they struggle, wrestle, and get frustrated with the process. Change really is not an overnight occurrence, rather it takes time. I forgot that even getting people to desire change is a whole another challenge. If people are so used to the way they are living, anything different raises eyebrows or the ideas will just be brushed off. When people are not open to change, all the opportunities in front of them will be missed.

However, why is change so scary? Change is a risk because it is the unknown. It is putting in all the work and effort, only to realize that it may amount to nothing. It is feeling like a failure and getting hurt in the process. However, it is not a waste as a person has learned that one way did not work, and they can attempt another avenue. Change is also difficult when one does not believe in oneself or have hope in the possibility that there could be a different outcome. I think this can come from being calloused over the years of stagnancy or believing that “this is just the way it is” or, “this is just who we are.”

If I were to do my Peace Corps service over again, I would take more time to build relationships. Through warming people’s hearts, then people could be more open to the ideas I have to share. In addition, they may be more open to change through receiving encouragement from a place of trust. I will admit that I needed to gather more buy in from my community. At the same time, it is hard when I am just one person to address a whole community and I do not have the right type of support. Moreover, it is tiring when people have many assumptions about me and it would take time to break it down across the community as one person.

Another barrier to change is when a person is fixated on a certain path to getting their desired outcome. When people do not receive the help in the way they want, they are closed off to the idea of receiving help in other forms. For example, poverty is definitely an issue in the country and it is very valid that people want money. However, when people realize that one is not being offered money, some may turn away from continuing to listen. (This is a whole another tangent I would like to address in another blog of how international organizations have created dependency).

As much buy-in and change needs to be desired from the people, sometimes change needs to be spearheaded by individuals. It really is a double edge sword because some people do not know what steps to take for change and may need others to instruct them. Others want to see the outcome of change first in order to believe it is possible; then, they will later join to support.

Development really is not just about physical development. It needs to also require the development in the mind. I do see why Peace Corps wants volunteers to implement Life Skills curriculums in the community to empower people and broaden their scope of thinking. If people are stuck in a certain mentality, it blocks them from sustaining the physical development. For example, there is a poverty mindset, where one is constantly living a life out of deficient, discontentment, and belief that there is not enough. It is really sad when I see people who assume I have more money than them due to being the foreigner, when they live above the means of my Peace Corps stipend. Thus, people need to learn skills like money management and learning skills to sustain businesses versus constantly believing that just needing more money will be the solution. (Disclaimer: At the same time, I recognize that people do provide money for extended family members due to the lack of employment in country).

To my mid-service crisis:

I need to remind myself that my efforts are not wasted. The reality is that I do not know how people introspect when they see the work that I am doing in the community. I need to stop being the American where everything is about producing the maximum outcome. Change takes time and desensitizing people to change is just as important. I need to remind myself that change may not even happen in my service and that’s okay. There are people who have fought many years for change and did not see it within their lifetime, but their efforts were never gone in vain. Moreover, each soul is precious. As clique as it sounds, reaching one person is all that matters. You never know who that person will be. That person may change the trajectory of their life for the better, whether breaking the generational poverty with themselves or for their children. That person may be the next leader, or be the one to inspire another to be the next leader. Even if a person gives encouragement to the one who lost all hope, to prevent a person from attempting suicide, is just as valuably important.

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Dear Eswatini,

I have fallen in love with you. You bring me so many mixed emotions, but in the end, I find myself committed to you (in my service). I just want the best for you all. I just wish you all could see your potential and believe in yourself. I tell my students all the time, it doesn’t matter if I can see your potential if you do not see it for yourself…because no one can live your life except you. Please do not live in fear. I know that the fear goes so much deeper with many other things in-country. However, it is okay to fall because hurt is part of life. At the same time, I struggle to say embrace the hurt because what happens if you do not have the necessary resources to help you get through the pain?

What I do know is that you all are so much stronger than you think. Please give yourselves more credit. The fact that many of you go hungry at night, but are still alive today, you have endured a lot. Not everyone in this world can endure what you have endured. Please do not compare yourself to this world. The world has so many other structures in place to help them attain what they have. Please take it step by step and be proud of the small achievements. If you compare to the end results of what others have, it will be very discouraging and you may not want to attempt in trying. However, no one is good during their first attempt. Kuze, Kancane Kancane.

Lastly, I am sorry I do not have the language to share how I really feel to you all, especially my community. To the adults, forgive me for the lack of proficiency in my language. I hope my actions can transcend the language barrier. To my students, I want to speak more words of life into you all as some of you understand English. I want to be bolder in talking about mental health because it exists, but no one talks about it. I will begin by slowing sharing my story in hopes to start conversations and normalizing them. You are not alone and you all are so much stronger than you think.

To another year of service and committing to you all.

With Hope,

Tenina Nkambule